My mission : discover myself

19/01/2015
self-discovery

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Looking for who I am

For a long time, I’ve been unsatisfied with my job. That frustration grew deeper and stronger, I was just living my frustration in many aspects of my life. I wanted to change and be more fulfilled by finding my perfect job/career, a job that would fit me and ultimately “make my passion my job”.
The questions behind those goals are:
• What is my perfect career/job ?
• What would be a job that would fit to who I am ?
• How can I make my passions my job ?
What are my passions?
• What are my dreams?
What are my strengths/weaknesses?
• What do I want?
• Who am I ?
I didn’t know any of the answers. I had to know myself better to find them.
It turns out that not only I didn’t know what my perfect job was but I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know my strength/my weakness and my dreams. I was surprised to understand I was ignoring myself. I was a stranger to myself. I felt empty not knowing who this person in the mirror was. I’ve spent my whole life along with myself. I realize I didn’t have a clue about who I truly was. I’ve never taken time to step back from myself to have a broader view and analyze. I didn’t have any clarity on myself and my own life.

Other people’s purpose

For many years, I was only caught in the pursuit of goals that was set for me : I must graduate from a great university, I must find a well paid job. The recipe for happiness seemed simple to me : more money, fun friends, big house, good salary, loving spouse, supporting family….I kinda achieved the recipe for happiness but I wasn’t happy as I expected. It wasn’t working for me. I wanted to be fulfilled and more than that I was looking for meaning in my life.


Not only I had to know myself better, but part of the work is to clear and let go the other people’s purpose that I have integrated as part of my beliefs.
Do I really think that it is important
– to be rich?
– to buy big house?
– to be the best?
– to succeed?
– to have a retirement?
Or maybe other people think it’s important. I wanted so hard to fit in that I have integrated this idea as mine. When I decided to look in the mirror and discover myself, I just didn’t know anymore what beliefs were mine and what beliefs were other people’s opinion living in my brain.

How come I’ve lost track of myself

I was raised with the strong rule that I “have to listen” to what my parents and family told me to do and be obedient. I shouldn’t talk back and give my opinion because it was considered very rude.
My parents was constantly comparing me to my cousins and their friends’ daughters. “Look, how smart/hardworking/helpful/obedient she is…. if only you were more like her”. I think, this is the source of my half empty cup syndrome originated from.
I wanted to be successful, I wanted people to be proud of me, I wanted to be the best at what I do. But actually, I was unhappy even though I had a good job, I had friends, I had a family… It was never enough.
Like many people I guess, I thought that once I would have a well paid and good reputation job I would finally feel more fulfilled. For my whole life, I’ve tried so hard to fit in my Chinese traditional family, to fit in my French work, to fit in my friend’s world that I’ve lost myself. I didn’t listened to my needs, didn’t allow myself to dream, it was all about fitting in the social requirements.
What about the Happy Anna? I was forgetting that I had needs, I existed and I had dreams. I had this belief that my parents put in my brain that thinking about myself is selfish, taking time for myself is selfish… Is being happy selfish too ? How can I be a good daughter/friend/wife/employee if deep down I’m a frustrated/lost/unhappy/unsatisfied person?

Why do you try so hard to fit in when you’re born to stand out

My mission : discover myself

My tools : self development, meditation, do what I love more, experiment, not holding myself back, reach out of my comfort zone, ready to discover myself, long retreat to reconnect with myself, listen to my guts, introspection, explore my subconscious, morning pages. The answer is within me : in my life path, my memories, my story, what I did before, my emotion and my sensation.
I’m the only one who can achieve this mission.I will decrypt all the clues and connect the dots.

Today I want to choose consciously my goals and my purpose. I want to know what resonates in me, what I love and not what people want for me. I am taking responsibility for my life. This is how I want to be fulfilled. I choose to live the life I design and let go the fear of not fitting in, of not being good enough and being different. It’s my life, my choice, my dream and my purpose. My only fear would be to live someone’s else life.

How about you, do you know what your passions are ? How much do you know about yourself ? Are you ready to meet yourself and connect the dots ?

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19 Comments

  • Reply Dennis M. 21/01/2015 at 12:23

    Wau, I can definitely relate to your post and story. I have been in this ‘boat’ last year. I found my passion. I needed time for myself, although I did not realize that in fact. I had to find out by learning about myself, as you say, connecting dots with each other. Live! Listen to my inner voice. I have been through a couple of periods in my life that I lost touch with my inner voice….but I won’t let it go anymore. I feel so happy. I am doing everything that I dreamt of, right now and want to do so much more. I am energetic again…which I was not for a long time.

    I have learned a lot about myself. I have mainly realized that happiness and other stuff, lies within yourself. Everything that you feel, and feel attracted to and emotions…have to do with me. Nothing can exists outside if I don’t feel it inside.

    I hope that you’re on the right path too. I truly wish that for you and everyone out there who is reading your post. I am thankful. And also about reading your blog.

    How are you doing?

    *D

    • Reply Anna 21/01/2015 at 12:45

      Hi dennis ! Thank you for reading me. Happy that i found someone who went the same road as I did. I’m living now my passion which is writing, self development and coaching after discovering myself and refunding with my inner voice. My head is full of project and energy to achieve my dreams.

      • Reply Dennis M. 21/01/2015 at 12:51

        Wau! That sounds pretty excellent. My passion is also writing. I started with it back in November. It’s nice to feel that energy in your body & mind….and put into real. Getting active with your dreams. I totally agree that you have to want things deeply i.o. to get them and realize them.
        xxx

  • Reply Fayeez Ahmed 24/01/2015 at 11:11

    Hey Anna, Your story is familiar, not to me personally, but because in South Asian backgrounds, your story is very similar. Too often people listen to what others tell them to do. So I applaud you that you are breaking out of that 🙂 All I can say is stick to it and good luck!

    • Reply Anna 24/01/2015 at 15:45

      Hi Ahmed, It’s a constant fight against myself not to listen to people critics and not to imagine them criticizing me. thanks for your support. 🙂

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  • Reply Michael Gregory II 21/02/2015 at 00:26

    Yes. I know the feeling of always trying to please everyone except for yourself. It kinfld of sucks because you end up hating people after a while. But i worked through it and one of the hardest things to accept was knowing i couldn’t please everyone.

  • Reply Anna 21/02/2015 at 01:07

    Hi Michael, we tend to want to fit in the social rules and to forget our own needs. People usually repeat what they have heard and learned about the common rules of “happiness” (good job, big house, family etc). I think have their own recipe for happiness, it begins first from within and know who you truly are.

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